Ten policies that would make me the perfect prime minister (2025)

There are so many policies from all sides, and yet nothing that makes the average person sit up and pay attention. So, vote for me! Here are the 10 changes I’ll make on day one.

Ban all leaf blowers. There’ll be a buyback system, similar to the gun amnesty. “Too expensive,” I hear you say. “Not at all,” I reply. When the day comes – when we will melt down all the leaf-blowers in one giant, joyous conflagration – we’ll make back all the money by selling tickets to a grateful public.

Ban any additional TV streaming services. Yet another one has just arrived – Max – and, according to members of my family, we’ll have to subscribe because it offers shows to which they are already addicted. Yes, I say, that’s fine, so long as we unsubscribe to one of the others. No. Impossible. We have to keep this one for the grandchildren, and this one for Jocasta, and this other one so I can watch Clarkson’s Farm (for no better reason than the sound of me chuckling over Jeremy Clarkson so annoys Jocasta). Don’t destroy families! Let the government step in. Mark down Max as the maximum. No further streamers allowed.

Ban shrinkflation. They reduce the size of the product, hoping no one will notice, and suddenly, your recipe is a dud because there’s less tuna in the can. There are also not enough Tim Tams to sustain a drive to Melbourne. I say: ban this evil! Or at least force supermarkets to add a sign: “Beware: there are now only nine biscuits in this pack. You’ll only get to Albury.”

Mandate the “generous pour” in pubs and restaurants. I know what you’re thinking: I’m just trying to win the alcoholic vote, but fair is fair. Beer drinkers can order a jug, while spirit lovers can ask for a double, but the poor wine drinker is often left with the choice of ordering a whole bottle (unseemly) or leaving the bar with a puddle of chardonnay glumly staring up from the bottom of an enormous glass. Some establishments offer a choice of “standard” or “large”. I say: why not all? Say “cheers” if you agree.

Bring in DNA testing for chewing gum miscreants. Here’s the worst feeling: you place your hand under the chair or table, and there it is: the wad of chewing gum, shoved there by some thoughtless oaf. OK, my policy might be a bit Clive Palmer/Pauline Hanson, but let’s test that gum. Years later, when that teenager is 60 and sends his sample to the National Bowel Cancer Screening Program, we’ll have him bang to rights. Oh, the feeling.

Ban the social kiss. Women hate it, but men do too. COVID let us off the hook for a while, but now the social kiss is back. Peril, once more, lurks at every social occasion. How well do I know her? Or, we work together but are also friends, so what are the rules? And what if I go for the left cheek, and then she shifts position, and we end up ... Oh, it’s all too awful. Ban it. Ban it good.

No advertising when you are on hold. OK, I understand that Westpac, Qantas, or the NRMA may not be able to take my call instantly. I’m willing to wait. I’m happy to read the paper while I wait. But I can’t read the paper because the music is constantly interrupted by a voice, which I, in my sweet hopefulness, take to be an actual person, ready to help me, only to realise, time and time again, it’s another advertisement, destroying my concentration. Here’s my policy: no voices until it’s a real one.

Imperial measures to be reinstated. I admit that kilos and centimetres are great for cooking and carpentry. But they are terribly unhelpful when it comes to catching criminals. Under my leadership, police will once more be free to say: “He’s six-foot-three, ugly as sin, and he was last seen going north … ”

Fund science. Unlike certain American presidents, I agree with scientists on almost everything – from climate change to vaccines. I just wish they’d back off when it comes to my favourite foods. Under my administration, the CSIRO will be given anything it wants, provided it abandons all research into the evils of bacon.

Ban pedal bikes that are actually motorbikes. Why do we have a stringent licensing system for motorbikes – licence requirements, road tests, number plates on show – when a new generation of electric bikes, clearly souped up, is constantly seen charging up a hill at 60km/h, no peddling involved? On the road, on the pavement; no number plate, no licence. And why do the police appear so oblivious?

Other parties, I realise, offer big, serious policies, such as nuclear submarines (which will never be built), nuclear reactors (which will never open), and balanced budgets (tell ’em they’re dreaming).

So vote 1 for me. At least, with my policies, they stand some chance of happening.

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